Hello Kitties

As I wrote in my update, last May I got two kittens. Eris, the Goddess of Discord, and Harmonia, the Goddess of Harmony, are sisters. They were eight weeks old when I picked them up.

The kitties have been a never ending source of laughs and love. Although, Sugar isn’t really sure that she is likes them. In this picture they’ve stolen her bed (right after we moved into the house).

This is Sugar and Eris on my bed. Sugar is trying to pretend that she isn’t there because my bed is Sugar’s.

In this picture, Eris has the blue bow and Harmonia has the pink one. This was shortly after we moved into the house. Originally, both kitties had orange collars, but we were having a hard time telling them apart, so we went to different colored bows. I didn’t realize that they would destroy the bows with their claws and teeth, when they were playing. The bows didn’t last long.

Eris loved this plant. Until she was unbalanced when she jumped on it and knocked it down. So no more plant. I was able to save some cuttings from it, but decided that even though the plant looked great in this spot, I didn’t want to clean up dirt on a regular basis. So I didn’t replant it. I moved the cuttings to a spot I thought was safe.

But, Harmonia is a climber. So the safe spot for the cuttings resulted in the demise of another plant.

Harmonia jumped onto the counter and then onto the top of the curio cabinet, knocking down an aloe plant. The cuttings were too heavy for her to accidentally knock down. Again I had dirt to clean up.

While the adventurous one, Harmonia is also the one that likes to snuggle. She will come sit on my lap while I’m watching TV or wasting time on the internet.

However, her sweetness doesn’t make up for the trouble she gets herself into. The picture below is Harmonia on the cut out in my kitchen. It is above the cabinets. She jumped on the counter, then onto the refrigerator and then up there. There is nothing up there but dust bunnies and thankfully, she can get herself down. I guess that is why I shouldn’t clean off the top of the refrigerator.

Eris in the cabinet.

Eris is much more elusive than her sister. She doesn’t tend to snuggle, although she will come and sleep between my legs, when I am on my back. She will also wake me up and demand that I pay attention to her, by gently pawing my cheek. Then she will lay just out of my reach. But she does the funniest things.

Eris in my work bag.

Eris rolling on the tablecloth at Thanksgiving.

Eris trying to hide at the vet.

Chris was very allergic to cats and my parents were dog people, so I was never really around cats. I got bit by a cat when I was babysitting and I wasn’t sure that I really wanted to have cats. However, as my hearing is getting worse (you can read my previous post about my hearing here), I am hoping to get a service dog in the future. I know that the rules for service dogs vary, but generally, they don’t want you to have another dog in the house. So, I decided that I would not get another dog, even though there are days I really, really want one. The next best thing, or so I thought, would be to get a cat. But not just any cat, a kitten. And not just one, but two. The person that I got Eris and Harmonia from had another kitty remaining from the litter and offered that one to me too. I thought that three cats would be too much, so I declined. I think that was a good decision.

Wow! Three Years Pass

I’ve been unsettled, the last couple of weeks. I’m not really sure why this feeling has settled in, perhaps it is a minor mid-life crisis. Perhaps it is due to the political climate or that I mindfully took this summer off from coursework. It could be that I’ve been fighting allergies and have had steroids in my system. But whatever it is, I’ve been thinking about writing again.

My last blog post was 3 years ago. A lot has happened since then. Here is a brief update –

My husband, Chris, lost his long battle with Stage IV Lung Cancer on March 21, 2018. I’ll write more about that in a future post, but the boys and I are settled into a new normal and I think that we are doing well.

I am now working as a Learning Specialist at a school in Denver Public Schools. I’m excited to be starting my third year at my school. Overall, I love my job, my co-workers, and my administration. As with any teaching job, I adore some of my students and some of my students challenge me to be the best teacher/person I can possibly be. Some of these challenges have been emotionally painful and life-changing. I am truly humbled and grateful for the opportunities I have had working with these kids and young adults (grades 6 -12).

I bought a house last summer, adopted two kittens, and have been attempting to garden. I love my house and have had a number of adventures in homeownership. The kittens are the first that I’ve ever had and that has been an experience!

I lost my dad in November of 2018, after watching him slowly deteriorate both physically and mentally. While it has been difficult, at times, ultimately, he was tired. Both my brother and I flew into North Carolina to see him before he passed. He was in Hospice care. We had some good conversations with him with both laughter and tears. He died a couple of days after my brother and I flew to our respective homes. Mom is managing things well. More about all of this later.

In December, 2018, our dog, Kirby, crossed the rainbow bridge. She lived a long and wonderful life (about 18 years).

My youngest son graduated from high school and earned his Associates Degree (in Science) in May.

Of course, this is a brief update and I hope to write more. So much has happened over the last several years. However, I can probably sum it up as being in survival mode; putting one foot in front of the other and making it from day to day. I finally feel as if I can take a deep breath and plan versus react to what is going on around me. Hence, the need to write.

The Religion Contradiction

Yesterday I attended a celebration of life service for a former co-worker. We were never particularly close, but friendly colleagues and I genuinely enjoyed working with her. We stopped working together, were Facebook friends, and lost touch after her cancer diagnosis; I did reach out several times to offer support for her boys (my boys are all too familiar with the “my parent has terminal cancer” situation and are actively involved in a support group for kids who are dealing with a parent who has cancer) and was gently told that she didn’t need it for her kids at that time.

Honestly, dealing with my own life situation, I do not have the reserves to be a dependable source of support for anyone dealing with significant long-term issues. So, while I thought of her (and her boys) often, that was the extent of my support. 
When I heard of her passing, I wanted to pay my respects and attended, with much anxiety, her celebration of life service at a local church. For the most part, I felt that the service did celebrate her life. The Pastor was visibly emotional during the service, the stories told were funny and described my colleague, much as I remembered her. It was emotional and I cried at the loss of a beautiful, passionate educator who touched so many lives.

And I was struck by the enormous contradiction being told – there was a larger purpose, a plan for my colleague. She trusted G*d and she felt that her cancer was a gift because it helped her see the larger purpose of her life. She wrote, the Pastor shared, that she felt extremely selfish that she wanted to stay on Earth, rather than receive her heavenly reward because what was more important than her relationship with him? 

I was raised in a culturally Jewish household. I have raised my children to be Freethinkiers and to come to their own decisions about their beliefs, but to be accepting of others. I have learned and grown from my desire to have my children determine their own understanding of the concept of a higher power, and my beliefs have evolved and changed as a result of their journeys. And I have experienced my own crisis of faith – and have tried on other religions to see how they feel. At almost 46, I do not feel any closer to resolving my beliefs than I was at 18. While I truly respect those who have different beliefs than I do, and am sometimes jealous of those who have faith in a higher power, have found acceptance within a community that believes the same things that they do and understand the purpose of religious beliefs, I cannot help but question.

We know from Mythology, that men created gods to explain events that they could not explain, in an attempt to make sense of their surroundings. How is belief in a single god any different? It is comforting to know that there is a greater purpose for our suffering, that there is an all-powerful being that hears and answers our prayers. That he forgives us for our mistakes (sin) and loves us unconditionally, if we accept him. But, if he loves us unconditionally and is all-powerful, they why have us suffer? Why are innocent children abused? People starving? For what purpose?

Yes, I realize that that the purpose is not to be understood or questioned, as that is faith. But why not? We are intelligent creatures, with extraordinary minds. We are curious, creative and resourceful. So, if there were a higher power, wouldn’t he (or she) expect that we would wonder and question and require some answers?

Why do we accept things from this higher power that we would not accept in other areas of our lives? For example, if a company claims that their cleaner will perform in certain situations and it didn’t, we would stop buying the product. We wouldn’t accept that we didn’t understand how the cleaner was supposed to work or that the cleaner worked in ways that we couldn’t see. Although this is a simplistic example, it follows the same logic – if a higher power doesn’t answer our prayer, why do we think that we are asking the wrong thing or that our prayers are answered in ways we might not yet understand? That there is some purpose we cannot see? We are intelligent creatures, but we cannot understand what G*d has in store for us? There is no logic that can explain that kind of thinking.

If I accept that G*d meant for us to suffer for a higher purpose, than I cannot accept that he loves us unconditionally. I have watched my children struggle and it result in understanding and growth. But to watch a child suffer, in pain and agony, that results in death – I cannot believe that any parent would stand by and believe that it was necessary. As a parent, I would take that kind of suffering away from my children, if I had the power to do so. So why would we accept that an all-powerful being would choose to allow us (his “children”) to suffer?

If we were to talk about a ruler that allowed this to happen to his subjects, there would be outrage, there would be a coup; people would rise up and demand justice. But from a higher power, we just accept that this is the way of things? It does not make sense.

As a result, I find that I am no closer to understanding than I was. I question organized religion and anyone who tells me that they know what I should believe. I question societal understanding of a higher power. And I haven’t even discussed questions of morality.

I do believe that my purpose is to be the best person I can be, here and now. I believe that I should do good when I can and touch as many lives as I am able. I believe that I should do these things, not because I am told to do so, but because they are just and right. I do not believe that there is anything beyond my life here on Earth. And you know what, that is ok because if I do it right, there isn’t any need for anything else.

I welcome your comments and responses to this post. Please remember I respect your right to voice your opinion and beliefs in a respectful manner, as I believe I have done so.

Musings – July 1, 2015

 

7/1/15 RBJ

 

Setting Sun

Imagine floating among the clouds,

Awash with golden yellow-orange hues.

Surrendering tension,

Relaxing into self-discovery.

Green Smoothie – Cucumber-Lime

My intent a few days ago, when I was posting about trying to get healthy, was to share some green smoothie recipes. Like usual, it took a bit longer than I hoped to get back to my blog and share.

Working to Feel Better

I haven’t been feeling well lately. I feel run-down and unmotivated. Depression is creeping, ever so slowly, back to the surface. A bone-wearying exhaustion mixed with anxiety (when is the next shoe going to drop?) has been an uninvited guest that has overstayed their welcome.

Anyone who knows me and really knows what is going on in my life would probably answer, “of course you aren’t feeling well.” And the truth is, I’m not surprised. However, deciding what to do about it has been complicated.

I’ve seen the doctor and my blood-work is normal. She and I talked about changing doses of my meds, but I don’t want to because we’ve tried that and the side-effects are not something I can manage. We’ve added some regular dosing of a med that I’ve been on “as needed” and I started that yesterday.

I’ve been taking supplements: Multi-Vitamin with Iron, Calcium, D-3, Fish Oil (1/2 the recommended dose along with a rotation of flaxseed oil and Omega 3) and additional Vitamin C. I know that I am supposed to get my vitamins from foods, and I’m trying. Some days I don’t eat “breakfast” until lunchtime and then eat dinner. I don’t purposely miss meals. It just happens.

And I’ve been drinking my water. Well, mostly. I drink tea and flavored water. I’ve been making fruit infused water (cucumber lemon/lime is really good) and 1-2 cups of coffee a day. Soda probably 3-4 cups a week (and not the diet stuff…).

So, what else is there to do? Exercise? Yes, I should be exercising. But I need to feel better before I can take that on.

The only thing I could think of was that I felt better when I was eating more vegetables. I had steamed broccoli and carrots a few days prior and I was craving more. I just needed to listen. Now, frozen vegetables are good but since I am the only one who really eats them, it seems like a waste to make them. I needed something that I could make ahead of time and then just have. I went searching on Pinterest. And I found some amazing ideas.

I latched onto Green Smoothies. Fruit and Vegetables…how could I go wrong. One trip to Sprouts and about $30 later – I was ready to go. First, I decided that I needed to go mostly organic so I didn’t have additional chemicals in foods that were supposed to help me feel better. That is going to be a challenge, but I’ll just do the best that I can.

Do you have a favorite Green Smoothie? Want to share? I’d love to hear from you.

Why I’m Furious with Robin Williams

I remember watching Mork and Mindy as a child and running around saying nanu nanu. I thought Robin Williams was a talented actor and admired him for his ability to make people laugh. He seemed like “one of us,” approachable. I also thought that it was really cool that we shared a first name. And with his death, the world is a little less funny and a little less bright.

Good Deeds, In Threes – Part 1

Right now I’ve got a lot going on. Most of it stressful and stuff that I cannot discuss publicly. My level of anxiety is very high and I feel like I have an adrenaline rush much of the time. I am hoping that by the end of next week things will be less stressful and I’ll be able to regain my balance.

Tattoos and Piercings: What Would My Mother Think? Part 3

This is the final post about tattoos and piercings.  Part 1 can be found here and Part 2 can be found here.

After reading my posts on tattoos and piercings, I am certain that you are curious:  you must be wondering where this is going.  When I started writing, I had a good idea of where I’d end.  However, as I’ve written these posts, I’ve wondered if I’ve presented a  contradictory viewpoint.  And, I’ve come to the conclusion that my personal opinions are not as “liberal” as I thought, and I’ve journeyed to someplace I didn’t think I’d go.

Tattoos and Piercings: What Would My Mother Think? Part 2

I don’t have a tattoo.  My husband doesn’t either, except for the ones he got for his cancer treatment, and in my book, those don’t count.  My parents don’t have tattoos.  When I was growing up my parents attitude towards tattoos was something akin to, ” Tattoos are for other people.  Not for our kids, who will go to college and be professionals.”  I’m very delicately trying to say, my parents thought that tattoos were “beneath” us.

This is a continuation of my post from yesterday.  If you didn’t read it, I would suggest that you check it out before reading this one.  You can find it here.