Pantyhose must have been invented by a man. I guess I could spend some time searching the internet and find out. But I prefer to just assume that they were designed by a man because no woman could design something so uncomfortable or stupid.
I don’t usually wear pantyhose. I used to wear pantyhose to work when I wore suits and heals every day. When I went to work at Gold’s Gym in childcare, I wore sweats and jeans. No need for pantyhose then. When I taught preschool, I wore pantyhose once in a while usually for parent teacher conferences. Most recently, I’ve been working with kids with significant special needs and changed diapers and sat on the floor – so no pantyhose required.
But the last several weeks I’ve been interviewing for teaching positions. That means business clothes and pantyhose. Women understand why I hate pantyhose, but unless a man has worn them, they are clueless. Here are my favorite (or the infamous reasons why):
Ten Reasons Why I Hate Pantyhose (in no particular order)
1. The material is delicate. One hang nail can destroy a pair of pantyhose no matter how careful you are.
2. They are made for Amazon Women. The legs are usually so long the only way they will fit is if you take the waist up to your nose.
3. If you happen to find a pair that isn’t made for Amazon Women, they were made for the Munchkins in Oz. The crotch hangs down at your knees and no amount of pulling will get the crotch to where it belongs.
4. When you find a brand/size/style that you like, they immediately stop making them.
5. They require special care when washing. They should not be put in the dryer. This means that you need to either hand wash them and let them drip dry or you need to put them in a mesh bag in the washer and remember not to put them in the dryer. Not putting them in the dryer is a problem if multiple people in your house are responsible for “moving the laundry along” because then not only do you have to remember to remind them not to put them in the dryer, they need to remember not to do it. This is the perfect set-up for failure, especially if you have boys/men in your household who will happily “move the laundry along” as long as they don’t have to remember to do anything beyond putting in a dryer sheet.
6. The line that is supposed to go from your big toe to your little toe usually won’t stay in place. It is annoying when it happens with socks, but doesn’t take much to fix it. And socks usually have a heel. But with pantyhose, they are all the way on either with the crotch at your knees or the waist at your nose when you realize that the line won’t stay in place. So you need to adjust the pantyhose and quickly put your shoes on so the line stays in place. And often this doesn’t help, so you are adjusting it all day.
7. You have to decide if you are going to go commando or not. Actually, I wonder if it is going commando because pantyhose often have a white cotton crotch. Although this doesn’t help if #3 is the case. If you wear panties and your pantyhose crotch happens to be in the correct position, it is an extra layer you have on. Not really an issue in the winter, but in the summer, when it is already hot and you don’t want to be wearing pantyhose in the first place . . . If you don’t wear panties and the crotch is at your knees, well, you get the picture. So, to wear panties or not to wear panties, that is the question.
8. You still have to shave your legs if you are going to wear pantyhose. This may not be true for those who have fine, light colored hair. But for me with dark hair coarse hair it is a must. Otherwise, the stubble on my legs pokes through the material of the pantyhose and doesn’t feel smooth and certainly doesn’t look smooth.
9. The more you spend on pantyhose (and they are expensive) the quicker you will get a run. This also holds true for finding a pair that you like and fits well.
10. Because I hate them. Does there have to be a tenth reason? I decided not. Although I could claim it was because they were probably invented by a man or they are a way that men in business dictate how women should dress. Or a hundred other political/social reasons that may not actually make sense (as I am inventing them as I type). But I won’t claim anything of the sort. I will just say that I hate them because they are a ridiculous fashion requirement for business that seems to have no purpose except to make me miserable.
As several friends reminded me when I was trying to decide if I should wear pantyhose for an interview, I could never go wrong wearing them, but not wearing them could be a faux pas. Unfortunately, they are right and I will continue to wear them for job interviews. But for all other events in my life (like Erica’s wedding today), I am going to protest and bare my shaven legs to the world. I am also going to wear open-toed shoes (another interviewing no-no) with bright red polish.
Do you have any pantyhose stories? I challenge you to post them in the comment section of my blog and share them with the rest of the world.